[ Like March, he says, and Mako actually flinches, his shoulders bunching up with anger that normally he would shove back down, temper into something useful. Today, though—now, with no sleep and failure coursing through him and Wu reminding him what an awful job he's done with everything—today it sparks and ignites, and Mako's face turns hard. ]
Maybe you need to stop paying so much attention to what I'm feeling, then!
[ Wu throws his arms out, frustration rolling off of him, and he takes a step toward Mako, staring at him, wondering what he can do to get Mako to realize what he's doing. He doesn't want to lose him again, but it feels like he is. It feels like he's losing him to these delusions, to this obsession. ]
[ Wu grabs his hand with the ginger in it and pushes up his sleeve, which itself is smoking, to show his burning skin ]
Do you want me to not worry about you? Because that's not how this works. If you want to have a boyfriend, you have to let me take care of you sometimes because you're clearly not doing it yourself!
[ Mako starts, but anger and meaning hit him at once and he stops, frowning, half-frozen with his hand still on his own sleeve. His eyes are bright and burning, red at the edges. ]
[ Wu's hands are balled into fists at his sides, and the anger turns to hurt again. He sucks in a breath ]
But I want to, because I love you and I care about you, and you're letting yourself get corrupted when you could let me help you, but you're too stubborn to!
[ Mako's face and his gut tighten all at once. Zuko makes a tiny sound and finally launches herself from Mako's shoulders. She herself is blazing hot like a tiny star, and scurrying for Wu. ]
[ Wu flinches at the sudden movement, then at the stove, but he holds out his arms for Zuko, so hot against his skin. ]
Shh, shh, it's okay, baby.
[ He focuses on her for a long moment, trying to catch his breath, to control himself before he starts yelling again. After seeing himself in that memory, yelling at that poor Gaoling official, he doesn't want to let himself go that far. It's scary to think that he could.
It's a good question and if Wu weren't projecting all this feeling at him Mako would probably just snap and try to move on, but he feels sort of pinned, exposed from his own words, his face hot and the air around him hotter. Zuko—Zuko is with Wu, even she left him. Mako's fingers tighten on the edge of the counter. It's keeping him upright. Why can't he? Why can't he need people? Why can't, why ]
Because
[ The word is gritted out, forced between teeth and truer for it ]
[ It kind of hurts, to hear that. It hurts down into his gut, that part of him that still doesn't fully believe that Mako loves him, that he's just putting up with him for some reason, that part rears up again, like it did in October, like he's been working so hard to believe Mako that Mako does love him, that he can trust their relationship.
But it's hard. It's hard to trust him, when Mako won't return that trust. When Mako won't let himself lean on Wu, at all, for anything, even when he's clearly hurting, when his skin is flaking away in fire and ash. Wu lets out a shaky breath, leveling Mako with an impassive gaze ]
Fine. If that's how you feel.
[ He wants to leave. He wants to protect himself, to go hide with Bolin in his hole under the Raccoon Room, wants to pretend that nothing in wrong like Bolin is, like that is a totally acceptable response to your boyfriend not needing you anymore.
But he can't choose that. Him a year ago might have. He might have run away, he might not have fought for Mako, but him now? He has to. He has to, even if he loses. He would rather try, than know he could have done more, even if it hurts. ]
[ Mako's eyes flick up, a little gasp of breath escaping like he got shot except, really, it's just a curl of guilt and anger and helplessness spiking through him like sparks.
They'll just let you down, kid, Zolt had sneered at him once, and Mako had scoffed and told him he knew that because he'd already learned exactly how cruel the world could be. Relying on other people is the best way to be let down, but Wu...
Wu wants to help him. Wu, who can barely carry a shopping bag for two minutes without handing it over to Mako to hold, Wu who is looking at him with hurt and determination in equal measure on his face. Who has weathered so many storms in his life, who looks like a steady rock right now in the storm swirling through Mako. (Isn't he the rock? Isn't that what he does?)
[ He almost breaks right then. Mako looks so tired, so lost, and he's finally letting down his guard. It makes Wu want to cry, but the stamps down on that impulse, instead holding out a hand for Mako, intent to pull him in, to hold him, to show him that Wu is here for him, that Wu wants to be here for him, that Wu can offer him something he needs. ]
[ Mako mumbles, watching smoke shimmer off his own palm, but Wu is looking at him soft and patient, holding out his hand without hesitation. Mako hesitates, but reaches out after a long, slow moment and curls his fingers into Wu's, soft and loose and then tight all at once. ]
[ Wu lets out a breath, and steps in to wrap himself around Mako, holding him tightly. He presses his face into Mako's throat. He smells burnt, like smoldering embers, but he still smells like himself, too. Familiar and comforting and something he's been missing the last month without quite realizing it, to wrapped up in his own stuff to pay as much attention as he should have to Mako ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let it get this bad. I want, I want you to be okay.
[ Hugging Wu is always like this. Like water rushing in to put out flames, like the soothing burst of steam as everything goes quiet. Mako stifles a sound, keeps it trapped behind his teeth and wraps himself around Wu regardless, pressing his face hard into the sleep-messy puff of Wu's hair, feeling the familiar hard edges of his narrow shoulders and his fingers on Mako's back, the puff of breath against his skin. Light flares around them orange-bright and then quiets, subsiding slowly like dying coal. ]
You didn't—
[ Mako's voice is muffled. He turns his head just a little, so Wu can hear him, because those words stick in his gut. ]
Maybe not, but-- I should have paid more attention. I know, I know things have been bad. I just, I didn't think-- You're literally burning up, Mako.
[ His voice is thick now, tears threatening to spill as he presses his face into Mako's throat. This isn't about him. This is about Mako ]
You're burning! You're, you're, I don't want you to become, become a monster. I don't want you to die, of course I don't want you to die! I want, I want to help. Please let me help you. What do you need? What can I do? Why, why is this happening?
[ Mako snaps louder than he means to, but it's a puff of anger that disappears as quick as it came, and he slumps again, wincing at the echo of his own voice. Zuko trills and twines up from Wu's chest onto Mako's shoulders, shoving her small face into his hair. Her warmth, and the feeling radiating off Wu, is a grounding thing, keeping Mako's feet tethered to earth. The smoke begins to fade. ]
I'm—sorry. I'm not. I'm...
[ Fine, he starts to say, but obviously that's not true, and so he bites the word back with a hard sound and tries again, smaller and sadder and more real: ]
I can't make the sauce. I don't remember it. I don't... remember her voice, either.
[ Wu holds him tighter, wrapping himself fully around Mako, putting everything he can into his hug. He loves Mako, he loves Mako so deeply and fiercely that it scares him sometimes, but he loves him all the same and he just wants Mako to be okay, whatever that means. He wants him to be okay and safe and not burning up from his own sadness and homesickness. ]
The sauce smells pretty good to me. Even if it's not, not your mother's.
[ But that probably doesn't help. He doesn't know what will. He doesn't know how to help except to be here, to distract Mako, to try and pull him back down to earth. ]
[ Mako trips over the words but that isn't even the problem here: the real one tumbles off his tongue moments later, rising through him like the unstoppable tide. It comes out in a rush of desperate words. ]
What if she—if she came here, and... had no idea who I was, Wu? This place isn't home. I've changed so much. She'd probably have no idea who I was. I don't even know that, and if anyone should, I should. I thought I was over this.
[ Wu is just glad that Mako's talking to him, telling him the problem, now. He strokes gently down Mako's back ]
I think she'd be pretty excited to get to meet you. Yeah, you're no the same person you were when you were eight, but who is?
[ He pulls back just enough to look at Mako, meeting his eyes ]
So, you want to figure out who you are. That's the problem, right? You, you're changing, you aren't the same person you were before you came to Deerington. Right?
[ Mako isn't even following rational questions with rational questions and some part of him knows that, but he's exhausted and wrung-out and slowly simmering down, and he doesn't know how to hold up his own walls anymore. They're crumbled around his feet. ]
Am I... the same person I was? [ Wu's voice is gentle, and he squeezes Mako's shoulders, wishing this was easier, but Mako needs him right now. He needs to be stronger ] No, I'm not. I, I think that's a good thing. I've grown, a lot. I've changed. I like who I am, now.
[ And he didn't really, before. Learning to love himself has been a journey, and an important one ]
[ Right. Wu was afraid, crying on him, even, afraid that who he was wasn't enough, that Mako wouldn't like him. Mako had told him just to be himself. Stupid advice to give when he can't even follow it, but he clutches at Wu a little harder, bowing his head. The world feels cramped and small, closing around him. ]
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Maybe you need to stop paying so much attention to what I'm feeling, then!
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[ Wu throws his arms out, frustration rolling off of him, and he takes a step toward Mako, staring at him, wondering what he can do to get Mako to realize what he's doing. He doesn't want to lose him again, but it feels like he is. It feels like he's losing him to these delusions, to this obsession. ]
You're not exactly trying to tamp it down!
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[ He snarls wordlessly and picks up the ginger again to start grating it into a small mound directly on the counter. ]
This is fine. This doesn't have anything to do with you. Just go to bed. I'll be done soon.
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[ Wu grabs his hand with the ginger in it and pushes up his sleeve, which itself is smoking, to show his burning skin ]
Do you want me to not worry about you? Because that's not how this works. If you want to have a boyfriend, you have to let me take care of you sometimes because you're clearly not doing it yourself!
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[ Mako yanks his hand back, properly yelling now as he shoves his sleeve back down and backs away. ]
You don't need to worry about me all time, Wu!
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What if I want to? What if I want to take care of you?
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[ Mako starts, but anger and meaning hit him at once and he stops, frowning, half-frozen with his hand still on his own sleeve. His eyes are bright and burning, red at the edges. ]
Why would.
You don't have to. Is my point. I don't need...
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[ Wu's hands are balled into fists at his sides, and the anger turns to hurt again. He sucks in a breath ]
But I want to, because I love you and I care about you, and you're letting yourself get corrupted when you could let me help you, but you're too stubborn to!
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That's not what I meant!
[ The stove behind Mako ignites unprompted. ]
I can't need you, Wu!
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Shh, shh, it's okay, baby.
[ He focuses on her for a long moment, trying to catch his breath, to control himself before he starts yelling again. After seeing himself in that memory, yelling at that poor Gaoling official, he doesn't want to let himself go that far. It's scary to think that he could.
Steeling himself, he looks back up at Mako ]
Why not? Why can't you?
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It's a good question and if Wu weren't projecting all this feeling at him Mako would probably just snap and try to move on, but he feels sort of pinned, exposed from his own words, his face hot and the air around him hotter. Zuko—Zuko is with Wu, even she left him. Mako's fingers tighten on the edge of the counter. It's keeping him upright. Why can't he? Why can't he need people? Why can't, why ]
Because
[ The word is gritted out, forced between teeth and truer for it ]
Needing things isn't who I am.
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[ It kind of hurts, to hear that. It hurts down into his gut, that part of him that still doesn't fully believe that Mako loves him, that he's just putting up with him for some reason, that part rears up again, like it did in October, like he's been working so hard to believe Mako that Mako does love him, that he can trust their relationship.
But it's hard. It's hard to trust him, when Mako won't return that trust. When Mako won't let himself lean on Wu, at all, for anything, even when he's clearly hurting, when his skin is flaking away in fire and ash. Wu lets out a shaky breath, leveling Mako with an impassive gaze ]
Fine. If that's how you feel.
[ He wants to leave. He wants to protect himself, to go hide with Bolin in his hole under the Raccoon Room, wants to pretend that nothing in wrong like Bolin is, like that is a totally acceptable response to your boyfriend not needing you anymore.
But he can't choose that. Him a year ago might have. He might have run away, he might not have fought for Mako, but him now? He has to. He has to, even if he loses. He would rather try, than know he could have done more, even if it hurts. ]
Then-- can you want me? To help you.
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They'll just let you down, kid, Zolt had sneered at him once, and Mako had scoffed and told him he knew that because he'd already learned exactly how cruel the world could be. Relying on other people is the best way to be let down, but Wu...
Wu wants to help him. Wu, who can barely carry a shopping bag for two minutes without handing it over to Mako to hold, Wu who is looking at him with hurt and determination in equal measure on his face. Who has weathered so many storms in his life, who looks like a steady rock right now in the storm swirling through Mako. (Isn't he the rock? Isn't that what he does?)
Mako swallows, silently, and nods. ]
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Then let me. Please? I want to.
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[ Mako mumbles, watching smoke shimmer off his own palm, but Wu is looking at him soft and patient, holding out his hand without hesitation. Mako hesitates, but reaches out after a long, slow moment and curls his fingers into Wu's, soft and loose and then tight all at once. ]
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I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let it get this bad. I want, I want you to be okay.
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You didn't—
[ Mako's voice is muffled. He turns his head just a little, so Wu can hear him, because those words stick in his gut. ]
This isn't on you.
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Maybe not, but-- I should have paid more attention. I know, I know things have been bad. I just, I didn't think-- You're literally burning up, Mako.
[ His voice is thick now, tears threatening to spill as he presses his face into Mako's throat. This isn't about him. This is about Mako ]
You're burning! You're, you're, I don't want you to become, become a monster. I don't want you to die, of course I don't want you to die! I want, I want to help. Please let me help you. What do you need? What can I do? Why, why is this happening?
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[ Mako snaps louder than he means to, but it's a puff of anger that disappears as quick as it came, and he slumps again, wincing at the echo of his own voice. Zuko trills and twines up from Wu's chest onto Mako's shoulders, shoving her small face into his hair. Her warmth, and the feeling radiating off Wu, is a grounding thing, keeping Mako's feet tethered to earth. The smoke begins to fade. ]
I'm—sorry. I'm not. I'm...
[ Fine, he starts to say, but obviously that's not true, and so he bites the word back with a hard sound and tries again, smaller and sadder and more real: ]
I can't make the sauce. I don't remember it. I don't... remember her voice, either.
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The sauce smells pretty good to me. Even if it's not, not your mother's.
[ But that probably doesn't help. He doesn't know what will. He doesn't know how to help except to be here, to distract Mako, to try and pull him back down to earth. ]
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[ Mako trips over the words but that isn't even the problem here: the real one tumbles off his tongue moments later, rising through him like the unstoppable tide. It comes out in a rush of desperate words. ]
What if she—if she came here, and... had no idea who I was, Wu? This place isn't home. I've changed so much. She'd probably have no idea who I was. I don't even know that, and if anyone should, I should. I thought I was over this.
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[ Wu is just glad that Mako's talking to him, telling him the problem, now. He strokes gently down Mako's back ]
I think she'd be pretty excited to get to meet you. Yeah, you're no the same person you were when you were eight, but who is?
[ He pulls back just enough to look at Mako, meeting his eyes ]
So, you want to figure out who you are. That's the problem, right? You, you're changing, you aren't the same person you were before you came to Deerington. Right?
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[ Mako isn't even following rational questions with rational questions and some part of him knows that, but he's exhausted and wrung-out and slowly simmering down, and he doesn't know how to hold up his own walls anymore. They're crumbled around his feet. ]
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[ And he didn't really, before. Learning to love himself has been a journey, and an important one ]
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[ Right. Wu was afraid, crying on him, even, afraid that who he was wasn't enough, that Mako wouldn't like him. Mako had told him just to be himself. Stupid advice to give when he can't even follow it, but he clutches at Wu a little harder, bowing his head. The world feels cramped and small, closing around him. ]
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