[ It's easier to talk about this with Wu close, for some reason. Mako shifts just enough to make room for him, his knee nudging into Wu's thigh as he does. The contact makes him pause, awareness curling warmly through him, but he stays there with that tiny bit of touching, looking at Wu. ]
That was kind of the point. Same thing with you and that kid, right? You had to protect him. Didn't matter about you, in the moment.
[ He shifts a little closer still, frowning at the memory, still too fresh, of Wu's voice afterwards, the pained haze on his face. Mako never wants to see him like that again. He's going to have to, probably. ]
Would you have regretted it? If you'd died protecting him?
Yes. [ Wu says immediately, then grimaces, looking up at Mako. He's so close, his voice so soft.
He should probably lie, but he doesn't want to lie to Mako. And Diamund said to be honest, to be fully himself. This is fully himself: selfish, self-serving, cowardly. He's not proud of it, but it is true. ]
I would have regretted it. I don't want to die. And, like you said, they might not have even been real. If I died protecting one child who wasn't even real...
[ Even that's not fully true. He drops his gaze, staring at his hands on his thighs. ]
[ Carefully, while Wu is talking, Mako reaches out to settle a hand on Wu's knee—unburnt, unlikely to hurt, close—and squeezes, his face set and serious as he listens. Their fingers aren't very far apart like this. His own curl into the fabric of Wu's pants and stay there. ]
Yeah. I'd probably regret it, too.
[ There's an honesty in his own voice, soft and rough, that matches the tone in Wu's. Mako is brimming, full of feeling sweeping over him. It's hard and soft at once: sharp-edged, warm, strange.
He wants Wu to know he isn't alone. ]
If it was me or if it was you. I—seeing you at that... weird funeral, Wu, that was—I don't. I couldn't... even help you. That much. It was awful.
[ Wu's breath hitches, staring down at Mako's hand. His heart leaps into his throat, face hot.
At least his words are a distraction, if not one Wu particularly wants to talk about. He's thought about the funeral, but had tried to push it to the back of his mind for the most part. It was awful, painful, he said too much.
But of course Mako remembers. ]
It was awful. [ His voice is tense, tight, shoulders hunching in. He opens his mouth to say something else, but nothing comes to mind. ]
[ Mako's voice is quiet, not pushing. He remembers Wu's words after he died: supportive and soft, exactly what he needed to hear. He wants to do the same for Wu, offer that same support that at the time Mako hadn't even known he'd needed.
He flattens his palm over Wu's knee, his thumb rubbing in small circles he isn't quite aware of. ]
But you said it helps you to do that. So. I'm here, if you do.
[ Wu glances up at him, his expression soft, vulnerable. He feels like Mako can see right through him.
He's too aware of Mako's touch, of Mako next to him. He wants to press in close, to feel Mako's arms around him, but he can't. He can't abuse their friendship like that, no matter how much he wants to. ]
For once, I don't really know what to say. It, it wasn't real. I didn't die. So those fears, those regrets, they were unfounded. I have time to fix the things I did. I'm going to keep working to do that.
[ Except that that hand is driving Wu crazy. He almost wants to move, but Mako is touching him and he can't. He's frozen under his touch, too aware, too focused on it. ]
I, I'm trying. I want to be better.
[ He takes a breath, looking up at Mako again. ]
I do regret it, how I acted before. Not doing anything with Kuvira was taking over. But I think I can repair that damage. If not all, then most of it.
[ Chloe's words echo briefly through Mako's head as he nudges, very gently, at Wu's shoulder. ]
You're doing it. I—
[ Even though he's trying to talk more, even though it's important to get this out, it's still hard to say, still. Even though he's said something like it before. ]
I'd hope it's all people can ask, because it's all I can do, too. Try to be better.
[ Mako watches him quietly for a moment, noting the odd tension in his shoulders, the shortness of his breath. The look on Wu's face. ]
And, for what it's worth, I think you can repair it, too.
[ This trust that Mako has in him, now, is still strange. It's uncomfortable, because Wu isn't sure if he can live up to it. Before, before everything happened, it never would have occurred to him that Mako wouldn't trust him. Now, he's not sure that Mako should.
But Wu trusts him, implicitly. He nudges Mako's shoulder back. ]
I... that means a lot, Mako. Thank you.
There's a lot to do, whenever we're back home. [ If they go back home ] Here, I still want to try, to make something of my time here. To leave something good behind.
[ Mako wants to ask about that tension, but he figures it's because Wu is hurt, because they're talking about such deep things. He's a bit tense himself, because he doesn't, still, like bringing any of this up.
But at least, he hopes, it's working. There's relief in that.
Mako smiles at him, small and real. ]
Well. I meant what I said about helping. However I can. I think that's all we can do until we figure out how to get home and make this place safe for whoever can't leave.
[ Later, Mako will think way too much about that little squeeze. He notices the length of Wu's fingers and how soft his hand is—that makes sense, really—and the growing strength in his grip.
For now, he just smiles, soft, but later it'll stick in his head like a burr, unable to be dislodged.
As Wu moves, he pulls out his own vial, safe in his pocket with the tiny hair in it. ]
Yeah. Mine was in my hand when I woke up. Looks like they're the same.
[ He peers into Wu's, noting the tiny curl of black hair matching in his. ]
I have a lot to figure out. About the Layers, and... staying here. Wherever here is.
[ Snorting, Mako lets his hand drop again. ]
Kind of why I want to help with your idea, actually. At least that's something concrete. I like working on theories, but it gets frustrating when you can't get any actual results.
You can have mine. [ Wu presses it into his hand, their fingers brushing.
He was never quite this aware of Mako before, of his body, his hands, the heat of him. That little touch sends sparks through his body and it's stupid how much he wants to kiss Mako. But he can't. It's not allowed, and it's not something that Mako wants or needs. They're friends. They're just friends.
Now, he pulls his hand back quickly, giving Mako a small smile. ]
I, thank you. I appreciate the help. I think it'll be more work than I'm imagining.
Mako frowns a little at Wu's retreat, wondering, but he can't imagine what it would mean. Why Wu is being like that, unless he feels as raw and exposed as Mako does right now.
He nods in thanks anyway, slips it into his pocket with a clink of glass as it knocks against the other vial. ]
Just like building a whole new government. You can handle it.
I think I preferred the badger. [ Wu says without really thinking, but then he remember exactly what happened when he was a badger: the night he spent sleeping on Mako, probably the best night's rest he's had since being in Deerington ]
[ Mako doesn't quite mean to say that, either, but apparently they're just sharing now. The words come out and then he smiles, a little embarrassed, remembering the warm weight of Wu on top of him. He's thought about that a few times in the last month, waking up alone in that massive bed in the hotel. ]
[ Well, now his face is burning. Not that thinking his magical dream badger form is cute means that Mako thinks that he, Wu, is cute, but it sure feels that way, and boy oh boy is that difficult for Wu to take.
He takes a shaky breath. ]
Ah, thanks.
[ And there it is again: that awkwardness. Wu looks down at his hands, wishing that he wasn't the cause of this. Wishing that he could be normal, that they could be normal best friends again. If he didn't have these awful feelings that make him want to do something stupid. ]
[ The awkwardness is a palpable thing, stretched tight between them. Mako stares at him for a second, his brows drawing slowly together, trying to figure out what Wu is doing.
This doesn't seem like it's related to the burns anymore, or any of the things they just learned, or badgers. Mako has no idea what it is related to. He feels like he's seeing the corner of a thing in darkness, trying to figure out the shape of it when it's too large to fit at all. ]
[ He knew he was doing a bad job of pretending, but Mako asking really shows it. He keeps his eyes on his hands, squeezing them too tight together.
He could tell the truth. He could tell Mako the feelings he's been having for him, he could tell Mako that he likes him, loves him, and he could watch their friendship fall apart. He could watch Mako reject him, he could lose his best friend here. Even with the new friendships he's made, it wouldn't be the same.
Or he could watch Mako become the one trying to pretend to be normal around him. That might be worse, to feel this tension around him, always. That would never work. Mako is a horrible actor, Wu knows that. He can't hide his emotions, especially around Wu. Their relationship would never be normal again.
Some tiny piece of him still holds on to hope that maybe, just maybe, Mako could like him. He went on a date with David, after all. He's open to dating men, even if he's not very open to it. That conversation created a tiny spark of hope that Wu's tried to suppress, but it's still there.
He takes a shaky breath, and looks up at Mako, glancing over his face: frowning, annoyed, concerned.
He's not ready to decide. Not ready to deal with the consequences, no matter which way it turns out.
He presses his lips together, before finally saying: ]
[ Mako knows there's more to it than that. A lot more to it, but he still can't tell what it could be. It's so unlike Wu to be this quiet. The last time Mako can even remember this happening was after everything in the mall, when he'd gone very still and very quiet and let Mako take him back to the Four Elements without a word.
Burns or no, that had to have been worse, so Mako has no idea where this is coming from.
But Wu clearly doesn't want to talk about it, and that's something Mako understands very well.
So he nudges his shoulder into Wu's again, nodding. ]
I get it. When you want to talk, or. Anything. I'll do my best to listen. Alright?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ It's easier to talk about this with Wu close, for some reason. Mako shifts just enough to make room for him, his knee nudging into Wu's thigh as he does. The contact makes him pause, awareness curling warmly through him, but he stays there with that tiny bit of touching, looking at Wu. ]
That was kind of the point. Same thing with you and that kid, right? You had to protect him. Didn't matter about you, in the moment.
[ He shifts a little closer still, frowning at the memory, still too fresh, of Wu's voice afterwards, the pained haze on his face. Mako never wants to see him like that again. He's going to have to, probably. ]
Would you have regretted it? If you'd died protecting him?
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He should probably lie, but he doesn't want to lie to Mako. And Diamund said to be honest, to be fully himself. This is fully himself: selfish, self-serving, cowardly. He's not proud of it, but it is true. ]
I would have regretted it. I don't want to die. And, like you said, they might not have even been real. If I died protecting one child who wasn't even real...
[ Even that's not fully true. He drops his gaze, staring at his hands on his thighs. ]
Even if he was real, I probably would regret it.
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Yeah. I'd probably regret it, too.
[ There's an honesty in his own voice, soft and rough, that matches the tone in Wu's. Mako is brimming, full of feeling sweeping over him. It's hard and soft at once: sharp-edged, warm, strange.
He wants Wu to know he isn't alone. ]
If it was me or if it was you. I—seeing you at that... weird funeral, Wu, that was—I don't. I couldn't... even help you. That much. It was awful.
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At least his words are a distraction, if not one Wu particularly wants to talk about. He's thought about the funeral, but had tried to push it to the back of his mind for the most part. It was awful, painful, he said too much.
But of course Mako remembers. ]
It was awful. [ His voice is tense, tight, shoulders hunching in. He opens his mouth to say something else, but nothing comes to mind. ]
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[ Mako's voice is quiet, not pushing. He remembers Wu's words after he died: supportive and soft, exactly what he needed to hear. He wants to do the same for Wu, offer that same support that at the time Mako hadn't even known he'd needed.
He flattens his palm over Wu's knee, his thumb rubbing in small circles he isn't quite aware of. ]
But you said it helps you to do that. So. I'm here, if you do.
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He's too aware of Mako's touch, of Mako next to him. He wants to press in close, to feel Mako's arms around him, but he can't. He can't abuse their friendship like that, no matter how much he wants to. ]
For once, I don't really know what to say. It, it wasn't real. I didn't die. So those fears, those regrets, they were unfounded. I have time to fix the things I did. I'm going to keep working to do that.
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[ Mako really does have to get used to feeling helpless, he thinks.
Or get better at actually doing things. He remembers the feeling of his hand going through Wu, that awful cold, the terrible expression on his face.
At least now he can keep his hand there, feel Wu warm and solid and alive right now. That's something.
And for once, Mako can help in this way, he thinks. Kind of. He doesn't have Wu's way with words, but he knows Wu, at least. ]
They meant something. And you're already doing something with them.
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I, I'm trying. I want to be better.
[ He takes a breath, looking up at Mako again. ]
I do regret it, how I acted before. Not doing anything with Kuvira was taking over. But I think I can repair that damage. If not all, then most of it.
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You're doing it. I—
[ Even though he's trying to talk more, even though it's important to get this out, it's still hard to say, still. Even though he's said something like it before. ]
I'd hope it's all people can ask, because it's all I can do, too. Try to be better.
[ Mako watches him quietly for a moment, noting the odd tension in his shoulders, the shortness of his breath. The look on Wu's face. ]
And, for what it's worth, I think you can repair it, too.
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But Wu trusts him, implicitly. He nudges Mako's shoulder back. ]
I... that means a lot, Mako. Thank you.
There's a lot to do, whenever we're back home. [ If they go back home ] Here, I still want to try, to make something of my time here. To leave something good behind.
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But at least, he hopes, it's working. There's relief in that.
Mako smiles at him, small and real. ]
Well. I meant what I said about helping. However I can. I think that's all we can do until we figure out how to get home and make this place safe for whoever can't leave.
You got one of those vials too, right?
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Yeah. We'll make something good here.
[ He takes his hand away, shifting to grab the vial off his nightstand. That makes Mako's hand slip off his knee, and for a moment, he can breathe ]
Yes, I got this. [ He holds it up for Mako to see. ]
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For now, he just smiles, soft, but later it'll stick in his head like a burr, unable to be dislodged.
As Wu moves, he pulls out his own vial, safe in his pocket with the tiny hair in it. ]
Yeah. Mine was in my hand when I woke up. Looks like they're the same.
[ He peers into Wu's, noting the tiny curl of black hair matching in his. ]
I have a lot to figure out. About the Layers, and... staying here. Wherever here is.
[ Snorting, Mako lets his hand drop again. ]
Kind of why I want to help with your idea, actually. At least that's something concrete. I like working on theories, but it gets frustrating when you can't get any actual results.
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He was never quite this aware of Mako before, of his body, his hands, the heat of him. That little touch sends sparks through his body and it's stupid how much he wants to kiss Mako. But he can't. It's not allowed, and it's not something that Mako wants or needs. They're friends. They're just friends.
Now, he pulls his hand back quickly, giving Mako a small smile. ]
I, thank you. I appreciate the help. I think it'll be more work than I'm imagining.
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Mako frowns a little at Wu's retreat, wondering, but he can't imagine what it would mean. Why Wu is being like that, unless he feels as raw and exposed as Mako does right now.
He nods in thanks anyway, slips it into his pocket with a clink of glass as it knocks against the other vial. ]
Just like building a whole new government. You can handle it.
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He takes a deep breath and smiles at him. ] That was an experience, wasn't it? I've never been a dog before.
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[ Mako will, for the moment, accept this retreat and change of subject, offering Wu a dry smile instead. ]
Not a sentence I ever thought I'd say.
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[ Mako doesn't quite mean to say that, either, but apparently they're just sharing now. The words come out and then he smiles, a little embarrassed, remembering the warm weight of Wu on top of him. He's thought about that a few times in the last month, waking up alone in that massive bed in the hotel. ]
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He takes a shaky breath. ]
Ah, thanks.
[ And there it is again: that awkwardness. Wu looks down at his hands, wishing that he wasn't the cause of this. Wishing that he could be normal, that they could be normal best friends again. If he didn't have these awful feelings that make him want to do something stupid. ]
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This doesn't seem like it's related to the burns anymore, or any of the things they just learned, or badgers. Mako has no idea what it is related to. He feels like he's seeing the corner of a thing in darkness, trying to figure out the shape of it when it's too large to fit at all. ]
What's with you? Are you okay?
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He could tell the truth. He could tell Mako the feelings he's been having for him, he could tell Mako that he likes him, loves him, and he could watch their friendship fall apart. He could watch Mako reject him, he could lose his best friend here. Even with the new friendships he's made, it wouldn't be the same.
Or he could watch Mako become the one trying to pretend to be normal around him. That might be worse, to feel this tension around him, always. That would never work. Mako is a horrible actor, Wu knows that. He can't hide his emotions, especially around Wu. Their relationship would never be normal again.
Some tiny piece of him still holds on to hope that maybe, just maybe, Mako could like him. He went on a date with David, after all. He's open to dating men, even if he's not very open to it. That conversation created a tiny spark of hope that Wu's tried to suppress, but it's still there.
He takes a shaky breath, and looks up at Mako, glancing over his face: frowning, annoyed, concerned.
He's not ready to decide. Not ready to deal with the consequences, no matter which way it turns out.
He presses his lips together, before finally saying: ]
I just, I have a lot on my mind. I'm okay.
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[ Mako knows there's more to it than that. A lot more to it, but he still can't tell what it could be. It's so unlike Wu to be this quiet. The last time Mako can even remember this happening was after everything in the mall, when he'd gone very still and very quiet and let Mako take him back to the Four Elements without a word.
Burns or no, that had to have been worse, so Mako has no idea where this is coming from.
But Wu clearly doesn't want to talk about it, and that's something Mako understands very well.
So he nudges his shoulder into Wu's again, nodding. ]
I get it. When you want to talk, or. Anything. I'll do my best to listen. Alright?
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Thanks, Mako. You're a good friend.