[ Wu watches him, warring between the worry he's felt for the last day and a half and relief that Mako is awake and okay and here. He squints at Mako, reaching up to touch his cheek. He's not nearly as hot as he was, not burning up in a way that terrified Wu. ]
I guess you did just walk on it... But you passed out! For more than a day! I was so scared, that I did that to you.
[ Mako is, at least, sure about that: whatever just happened to him, it wasn't because of the graze from the bullet. He turns into the press of Wu's hand, just enough to kiss his palm, trying to sort through the hazy memories of the fever.
Wu was there, wasn't he? With a cloth and soft words, saying his name.
Mako lets out a slow breath, letting the weight of everything settle on him for a moment, breathing in the familiar warmth of Wu's skin. ]
Whatever that was— I don't know. I've never been sick like that before. Even the deathflu wasn't that bad.
[ That's a small consolation, but Wu is glad that Mako doesn't seem mad at him anymore. He leans in, slipping his arm around Mako to hold him close, to feel him here and alive and awake. ]
Yes. I couldn't leave you like this! Bolin helped, he'll want to know you're awake.
You were, it was really scary. You were burning up.
[ Mako shifts just enough to pull Wu closer, half onto his lap, really, with one arm braced around his back like he's cradling him. His head is still cottony and awful but the memory of Wu's cool hand and his voice sits there like a bright light in the darkness. Wu was there. Wu was there even though Mako did a terrible job of being there for him, even though Mako left him alone late into the night most nights to work on the caches, more concerned about making sure everyone had enough to eat and running from his feelings than with what Wu actually needed.
How did he get so blind again?
He has to do better, now.
It's a simple, clear thought, unburdened by guilt (the feeling is still there, curling in his belly, but it doesn't wash up and over him this time).
Mako lets his fingers run down Wu's side, gentle, a reminder that he's here. ]
Thank you for taking care of me.
[ The words are soft, murmured things, swelling with the same gratitude glowing in Mako. ]
And I'm sorry. That I wasn't doing the same thing when you needed me to.
[ Wu's eyes flutter shut at those words. He needed to hear them, but he didn't expect them. This is his fault, for being needy, for hurting Mako, for asking for more than he's allowed to have. For needing more, needing time and attention that Mako wasn't able to give him. His breath shudders, face pressing into Mako's throat. He's still warmer than he should be, but nothing like he was last night. It's comforting, being close like this, having Mako talk to him like this.
It's weak, a small part of his says, to need this. He could be self-sufficient, he could stand on his own, but instead he chooses to need Mako. ]
I'll always take care of you, if you'll let me.
[ Not that Mako had much of a choice, unconscious as he was. ]
I-- it's okay.
[ It's not, and Wu knows it's not, but he doesn't want to ask for more, not right now. ]
[ It's a fast, firm answer, and Mako frowns around it, curling his fingers tightly into the soft fabric of Wu's pajama shirt, a watery silky thing he always wanted to touch at home. ]
Why do you keep doing that? Saying it's okay when it's not?
[ That tone freezes him, and he goes stiff against Mako's chest. Different fears surge in him, that he did ask for too much, that Mako is tired of him, that Mako is mad at him. He doesn't let any of them out, pulling himself up with the shred of bravery leftover from the cowboy outfit. He feels exhausted, wrung out from worrying over Mako, and stubbornly looks him in the eye. He died, the worst happened and he was killed, and he's back and alive and okay now. He can look his boyfriend in the eye ]
You were, you were really mad at me, for getting in the way of the caches or whatever you were working on. I don't know what you want me to say, Mako.
[ Mako lets out a hard, short breath, watching Wu. There is a set to his jaw that says he's working really hard just to do this, a look in his eyes like he's challenging Mako or something, echoed in the stiffness in his body.
Mako swallows around another surge of guilt, wilting under it. ]
I shouldn't have been. Mad, I mean. That was—you weren't getting in the way, Wu.
[ Wu lets out a harsh breath. He's had a day and a half to stew in the argument they had, to think about it while he stayed by Mako's side, trying to keep his temperature from getting too high (he was worried that Mako might literally set himself on fire).
This isn't what he thought would happen. He thought he would resign himself to this relationship, at least until things settle (if they ever do, they might not, and he doesn't know what he would do if he never got Mako back). But now Mako is saying that he's sorry. Wu eyes him, leaning in, his hands braced on Mako's thighs. ]
Wu was so sure that he was right, last thing Mako remembers. Everything he said about Mako not being there, about needing Mako and Mako throwing himself into other things—all of that is true, and the clarity with which he knows this is both startling and kind of comforting. Mako can see his own actions very clearly, and they're not pretty. It's exactly what he did with Korra, what he did with Asami, to an extent. He tried to fix things without asking Wu if that's what he actually wanted Mako to do. He tried not to think about all the awfulness instead of dealing with it head-on.
Swallowing, Mako reaches out to push a bit of Wu's hair from his cheek, tucking it behind his ear.
It's still hard to make himself say all of this, still hard to bare his throat, but easier, somehow, than it was. ]
For being an idiot. For... ignoring you, and trying to fix everything, and not actually asking you what you needed from me. I— this is. I did this with Korra. With work. I didn't know how to handle everything she needed from me so I worked instead, and, I mean, you know how that worked out.
I don't want that to happen with you, and I almost did.
[ Wu's eyes flicker shut, feeling Mako's fingers on his skin. He missed this, craves it. He needs that touch, something he never had, and then he did, and then it was gone again. Like he wasn't allowed to have it, to have Mako there. Like it was too good to be true.
But now Mako is apologizing and that wall, so familiar and uncomfortable, built back up around his heart, protecting it from the hurt that came from Mako pushing him away, it starts to crumble. He's scared to let it, scared to be hurt again, but Mako is saying everything Wu didn't dare believe that he would say. It feels like his feelings are being yanked around, teased, given a taste of love before it was taken away.
He wants it. He wants it so badly that it hurts. ]
I'm not Korra.
[ It's a pointless thing to say, but Mako's compared them before, compared their relationships, and Wu isn't her, he'll never be her. Maybe she's his idol, but he knows he'll never be the same or even similar to her.
He tears his eyes away from Mako, looking away to where the sun is peeking through the curtains. His eyes are burning again, and he knows he's too tired to be able to have this conversation without becoming overly emotional, doesn't know if that'll scare Mako off again, but Mako is offering this to him, offering a relationship that gives space for that.
He lets out a short laugh, pushing his hand over his face. He doesn't want to cry again. ]
I don't think I'm asking very much, Mako. I just, I just want you to be here. I died, and you, you disappeared.
[ Mako's thumb stays on the curve of his cheek for a second before he lets his hand drop to Wu's shoulder, thin, stronger than Mako gave him credit for at home.
He isn't asking much, is the thing.
He's asking Mako to do the one thing Mako wants to think that he's good at, the one thing Mako somehow failed to do because he was too busy running from his feelings.
And maybe that's just it.
Maybe part of what Mako was running from, part of the reason he didn't let Wu back in close, really is fear. Wu came into his life like a crashing wave, churned everything up and spat Mako back out blinking and wet and disoriented. Wu is a force of nature sometimes, and his disappearance, his death, knocked Mako off his axis entirely. He hadn't even realized Wu was anchoring him so strongly to the earth until he was gone and Mako was waking up alone from dreams of Wu's body hitting the earth in what had become their bed.
It's terrifying.
It's a world-shaking thing, how much he loves this ridiculous man, how afraid he is of losing Wu. If Mako pushes something away, if people leave him on their own, then it's their fault and Mako doesn't have to face all of the things about himself that aren't worth sticking around for, all of the reasons that Wu should not love him.
He does, though.
Mako sucks in a shaking sort of breath, his throat working around a hundred words he can't even begin to say, except he has to, because that's the whole problem here: he retreated into himself, afraid of the way his heart was cracking open soft and vulnerable, afraid to show how weak he really is to Wu, who loves him for reasons Mako doesn't understand. ]
You're not.
[ Not Korra. Not asking very much. It's all wrapped up together in a messy ball, and Mako's voice is oddly steady through it. ]
I love you, Wu.
So much.
[ He looks away, out to the sun, and then back to Wu lined in gold with it, and his heart thuds up into his own throat and stays there. ]
More than— I don't know. I don't know how to do any of this. All of my relationships have been failures, and you're here and you're so... smart, and gorgeous and funny. And you keep saying that you need me but I think.
[ Wu laughs again, short and humorless. It is't funny, none of this is funny, except in a dark, twisted sort of way. He stares at the curtains, taking in the dark green of them, the expensive fabric. It's nice, a nice thing in the middle of a desert, in the middle of Wu's whole life, his new existence, shattering. ]
You don't act like it. If you needed me, you would, you would be here, Mako. I,
[ He groans and pushes himself back off the bed, arms crossed tight over his chest, pacing back across the room. ]
You need to rest. I, we can talk about this later. I'll go get, get something. I don't know. Do you need anything?
[ It's so at odds with how they are. Mako takes care of him. Wu takes, he doesn't give, and here he is, trying to make up for years of that in one day, trying to see if he can offer something that Mako does in fact need, that Mako will care enough to stick around. ]
[ The words are out of his mouth in a rush. Mako wants to go after him, wants to pull him back onto the safety of the bed, but he keeps his hand where it is, curled into the covers like an anchor. ]
I need you to stop avoiding problems. When you do that, I can't fix them. You didn't even try to tell me what you needed!
[ Wu snaps, turning back to him, his voice too loud. It echoes around them, pressing in on his own ears, and he wants to retreat, to hide somewhere. He doesn't want to deal with this, he doesn't want it to end badly. He doesn't want to risk it ending badly.
But he can't stop, now that he's started ]
I died, Mako! And you, you did all the things you were supposed to do, but then you left me there. I'm scared, I'm scared and confused and I need you, and you left me like that! What am I supposed to think? Why didn't you try to fix things then?!
Because you need me and I was probably four steps from falling apart!
[ Mako snaps, the words coming in a hot rush and falling heavy into the space between them. His ears are flushed and his eyes are tight and Wu's right about this, too; he's too tired to be having this conversation but at least Wu is telling him, now, instead of that weird airy laughter where he'd ask Mako to come to bed or come look at something Fritter was doing like the world wasn't falling apart around them.
Sucking in a ragged breath, Mako swallows around the rush of feeling, making himself keep his eyes on Wu. It's on him to keep explaining, no matter how hard it is. ]
I couldn't keep you safe. I couldn't keep Chloe and Kristoff here, I couldn't do anything about the town falling apart and someone needed to handle the caches, and...
[ There is a helpless little sound trapped in his throat, one Mako viciously swallows around and then lets out anyway, his head bowing like his scarf is there to hide behind, except there is nothing and Wu can see everything that he is. Mako feels flayed open with the weight of his gaze. ]
That was the one thing I could handle. I was running away. It was stupid. Obviously.
[ He's trying. Mako's trying, and that knowledge eases something in him.
It isn't Wu trying, to make Mako love him again, to make Mako care about him. It's Mako trying to be better, trying to explain himself.
He feels stuck, standing in the middle of their room, staring at Mako, sick and pale and hunched on the bed. He wants to go to him, wants to take care of him, but he also wants Mako to meet him, to hold up his end of this relationship, and maybe Wu hasn't earned that, but he wants it anyway. He wants a real relationship, like the ones he sees around himself, like Korra and Asami, like Tenzin and Pema. He wants a partner, not just someone who will give him a scrap of their attention.
He's tired of that. Tired of being unloved, tired of having to beg for any bit of attention that he can have. ]
You could have been there.
[ His voice is low and raw and he feels just as exposed. But after the last day and a half, he has nothing left ]
I don't need you to protect me anymore. I don't want you to. I want you. That's it. I just want you, and if you can't give me more of your, your time, then I don't know, Mako. If you need me, be with me. Please. That's all I need from you.
Mako stares at him, at the pinched edge of his mouth and the slope of his shoulders, tired after probably taking care of Mako for a day and a half even though he's done nothing to earn that kind of care.
His words are like sparks, jolting uncomfortably along Mako's skin.
That's what he does. He is there, when he's nothing else, when he has nothing else to offer except prickly edges and his bending skills. The fact that he didn't even manage that would have crushed him, before, but Mako lets it sit there in the quiet, the truth of it, turning it over in front of himself.
You're so afraid to disappoint anyone, Tu had said, simple as anything, that you end up disappointing everyone.
Maybe that's what he actually does.
Tu's wiser than Mako gave him credit for, maybe. He almost laughs, except his throat is tight and it would be a little bitter thing, probably, so Mako swallows around that and says, instead, the truest thing he can think to say. ]
If I'm not doing that then I don't... know what I have to offer. To anyone. To you. If I can't handle all this–what good is that?
[ Mako always seems to know what he's doing, moves through the world with a confidence in his actions, hearing him say that he doesn't know what to do, it makes everything a little clearer for Wu.
He takes the two steps back to the bed, slipping onto it and reaching over for Mako's hand, taking it in his own. ]
Let me help you. You don't have to do this by yourself. I, I love you, and I want you to be okay, and if you need me-- [ What a novel concept, now that Wu can sit with it ] then I'll be here for you, okay? How can I help you? What can I do?
[ Mako shifts over to meet him, uncurling his legs from under himself so that he can curl their hands together and sit actually facing Wu. His skin is hot with more than just fever: with embarrassment, with guilt and shame and a prickling sense of failure that he knows he just has to sit with.
Wu wants to know how he can help. Wu, who used to just wait for Mako to make coffee and open doors, who assumed that Mako was just there to make his life easier in addition to keeping him safe.
But Wu loves him even though Mako failed to do the one thing Wu needed him to do.
Mako meets his green, green eyes. ]
Tell me when you need me. I don't want you to... feel like you have to be okay, or that things have to be okay, but—this is new to me, Wu. I don't know what I'm doing. And I want to do it right, and be there for you the way you need me to be, because I love you and you deserve that, but I... need help.
[ That's easy enough. Wu's eyes flick over Mako's face, looking for some hint that this isn't all he wants, that there's more there, some trap or trick or lie, but there isn't anything like that. This is Mako. Mako is nothing if not honest.
He looks down at their hands, Mako's still too hot in his own, and rubs his thumb over Mako's skin.
This is what he wants. He wants Mako. He wants honesty. He wants to know that Mako will be there for him when he needs him. ]
Okay. I can do that.
[ Maybe it is that easy. Maybe Wu should have asked, a week ago, more. Maybe that would have head everything off before they fought, before Mako was taken with this fever, before Wu shot him in the leg.
He bites his lip, glancing back up at Mako's face ]
You won't get mad? If I ask you to stop working so much?
I can't... promise. That I won't get frustrated, or annoyed, but I won't get mad at you. I wasn't mad at you, even before. I was mad at myself.
[ Mako hesitates for a moment, lets himself just feel the glide of Wu's thumb, the steady coolness of his slim fingers.
Loving Wu isn't some dramatic thing, it turns out. It's Wu sitting in front of him, promising to help him without judging him or laughing at him or calling him weak. It's the sureness that Mako is going to try his hardest too, because Wu deserves it, because Wu deserves a lot more than he's been given in his life.
It's a swelling rush of bright feeling, pressing against his ribs and his throat, dulling the twisting pit of guilt in his belly.
Mako reaches over, easy as anything, to wrap a hand around the back of Wu's head. Waits a beat, giving a chance for Wu to pull away or stop this before he tugs him into a soft kiss. ]
[ Wu presses into the kiss. Things aren't fixed, by any means, but they seem less hopeless than they had, just a few hours ago, when he finally passed out from exhaustion and worry.
He leans into Mako, like he's been wanting to for weeks, to feel Mako supporting him, to be able to let go, just a little.
Mako wants to try. Wu doesn't have to just accept what he's being given. That means more to him than he can express, so he pushes it into the kiss, deepening it despite the fact that they've both been asleep, that Mako's been sick, he doesn't care. He cares about Mako, that he's here, that he loves Wu. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Wu watches him, warring between the worry he's felt for the last day and a half and relief that Mako is awake and okay and here. He squints at Mako, reaching up to touch his cheek. He's not nearly as hot as he was, not burning up in a way that terrified Wu. ]
I guess you did just walk on it... But you passed out! For more than a day! I was so scared, that I did that to you.
no subject
[ Mako is, at least, sure about that: whatever just happened to him, it wasn't because of the graze from the bullet. He turns into the press of Wu's hand, just enough to kiss his palm, trying to sort through the hazy memories of the fever.
Wu was there, wasn't he? With a cloth and soft words, saying his name.
Mako lets out a slow breath, letting the weight of everything settle on him for a moment, breathing in the familiar warmth of Wu's skin. ]
Whatever that was— I don't know. I've never been sick like that before. Even the deathflu wasn't that bad.
Were you here? This whole time?
no subject
Yes. I couldn't leave you like this! Bolin helped, he'll want to know you're awake.
You were, it was really scary. You were burning up.
no subject
How did he get so blind again?
He has to do better, now.
It's a simple, clear thought, unburdened by guilt (the feeling is still there, curling in his belly, but it doesn't wash up and over him this time).
Mako lets his fingers run down Wu's side, gentle, a reminder that he's here. ]
Thank you for taking care of me.
[ The words are soft, murmured things, swelling with the same gratitude glowing in Mako. ]
And I'm sorry. That I wasn't doing the same thing when you needed me to.
no subject
It's weak, a small part of his says, to need this. He could be self-sufficient, he could stand on his own, but instead he chooses to need Mako. ]
I'll always take care of you, if you'll let me.
[ Not that Mako had much of a choice, unconscious as he was. ]
I-- it's okay.
[ It's not, and Wu knows it's not, but he doesn't want to ask for more, not right now. ]
no subject
[ It's a fast, firm answer, and Mako frowns around it, curling his fingers tightly into the soft fabric of Wu's pajama shirt, a watery silky thing he always wanted to touch at home. ]
Why do you keep doing that? Saying it's okay when it's not?
no subject
You were, you were really mad at me, for getting in the way of the caches or whatever you were working on. I don't know what you want me to say, Mako.
no subject
Mako swallows around another surge of guilt, wilting under it. ]
I shouldn't have been. Mad, I mean. That was—you weren't getting in the way, Wu.
no subject
[ And Wu is being selfish, like he always is, demanding Mako's time when Mako clearly didn't want to give it.
Whatever conviction the cowboy outfit gave him, it's gone, now. ]
You're still sick. You should be resting.
no subject
[ Mako shifts up straight at the absurdity of that, his brows knitting together. ]
You think I'm lying? I'm apologizing! You were right!
no subject
This isn't what he thought would happen. He thought he would resign himself to this relationship, at least until things settle (if they ever do, they might not, and he doesn't know what he would do if he never got Mako back). But now Mako is saying that he's sorry. Wu eyes him, leaning in, his hands braced on Mako's thighs. ]
Apologizing for what?
no subject
Wu was so sure that he was right, last thing Mako remembers. Everything he said about Mako not being there, about needing Mako and Mako throwing himself into other things—all of that is true, and the clarity with which he knows this is both startling and kind of comforting. Mako can see his own actions very clearly, and they're not pretty. It's exactly what he did with Korra, what he did with Asami, to an extent. He tried to fix things without asking Wu if that's what he actually wanted Mako to do. He tried not to think about all the awfulness instead of dealing with it head-on.
Swallowing, Mako reaches out to push a bit of Wu's hair from his cheek, tucking it behind his ear.
It's still hard to make himself say all of this, still hard to bare his throat, but easier, somehow, than it was. ]
For being an idiot. For... ignoring you, and trying to fix everything, and not actually asking you what you needed from me. I— this is. I did this with Korra. With work. I didn't know how to handle everything she needed from me so I worked instead, and, I mean, you know how that worked out.
I don't want that to happen with you, and I almost did.
no subject
But now Mako is apologizing and that wall, so familiar and uncomfortable, built back up around his heart, protecting it from the hurt that came from Mako pushing him away, it starts to crumble. He's scared to let it, scared to be hurt again, but Mako is saying everything Wu didn't dare believe that he would say. It feels like his feelings are being yanked around, teased, given a taste of love before it was taken away.
He wants it. He wants it so badly that it hurts. ]
I'm not Korra.
[ It's a pointless thing to say, but Mako's compared them before, compared their relationships, and Wu isn't her, he'll never be her. Maybe she's his idol, but he knows he'll never be the same or even similar to her.
He tears his eyes away from Mako, looking away to where the sun is peeking through the curtains. His eyes are burning again, and he knows he's too tired to be able to have this conversation without becoming overly emotional, doesn't know if that'll scare Mako off again, but Mako is offering this to him, offering a relationship that gives space for that.
He lets out a short laugh, pushing his hand over his face. He doesn't want to cry again. ]
I don't think I'm asking very much, Mako. I just, I just want you to be here. I died, and you, you disappeared.
no subject
He isn't asking much, is the thing.
He's asking Mako to do the one thing Mako wants to think that he's good at, the one thing Mako somehow failed to do because he was too busy running from his feelings.
And maybe that's just it.
Maybe part of what Mako was running from, part of the reason he didn't let Wu back in close, really is fear. Wu came into his life like a crashing wave, churned everything up and spat Mako back out blinking and wet and disoriented. Wu is a force of nature sometimes, and his disappearance, his death, knocked Mako off his axis entirely. He hadn't even realized Wu was anchoring him so strongly to the earth until he was gone and Mako was waking up alone from dreams of Wu's body hitting the earth in what had become their bed.
It's terrifying.
It's a world-shaking thing, how much he loves this ridiculous man, how afraid he is of losing Wu. If Mako pushes something away, if people leave him on their own, then it's their fault and Mako doesn't have to face all of the things about himself that aren't worth sticking around for, all of the reasons that Wu should not love him.
He does, though.
Mako sucks in a shaking sort of breath, his throat working around a hundred words he can't even begin to say, except he has to, because that's the whole problem here: he retreated into himself, afraid of the way his heart was cracking open soft and vulnerable, afraid to show how weak he really is to Wu, who loves him for reasons Mako doesn't understand. ]
You're not.
[ Not Korra. Not asking very much. It's all wrapped up together in a messy ball, and Mako's voice is oddly steady through it. ]
I love you, Wu.
So much.
[ He looks away, out to the sun, and then back to Wu lined in gold with it, and his heart thuds up into his own throat and stays there. ]
More than— I don't know. I don't know how to do any of this. All of my relationships have been failures, and you're here and you're so... smart, and gorgeous and funny. And you keep saying that you need me but I think.
I think I need you. More. At least as much.
no subject
You don't act like it. If you needed me, you would, you would be here, Mako. I,
[ He groans and pushes himself back off the bed, arms crossed tight over his chest, pacing back across the room. ]
You need to rest. I, we can talk about this later. I'll go get, get something. I don't know. Do you need anything?
[ It's so at odds with how they are. Mako takes care of him. Wu takes, he doesn't give, and here he is, trying to make up for years of that in one day, trying to see if he can offer something that Mako does in fact need, that Mako will care enough to stick around. ]
no subject
[ The words are out of his mouth in a rush. Mako wants to go after him, wants to pull him back onto the safety of the bed, but he keeps his hand where it is, curled into the covers like an anchor. ]
I need you to stop avoiding problems. When you do that, I can't fix them. You didn't even try to tell me what you needed!
no subject
[ Wu snaps, turning back to him, his voice too loud. It echoes around them, pressing in on his own ears, and he wants to retreat, to hide somewhere. He doesn't want to deal with this, he doesn't want it to end badly. He doesn't want to risk it ending badly.
But he can't stop, now that he's started ]
I died, Mako! And you, you did all the things you were supposed to do, but then you left me there. I'm scared, I'm scared and confused and I need you, and you left me like that! What am I supposed to think? Why didn't you try to fix things then?!
no subject
[ Mako snaps, the words coming in a hot rush and falling heavy into the space between them. His ears are flushed and his eyes are tight and Wu's right about this, too; he's too tired to be having this conversation but at least Wu is telling him, now, instead of that weird airy laughter where he'd ask Mako to come to bed or come look at something Fritter was doing like the world wasn't falling apart around them.
Sucking in a ragged breath, Mako swallows around the rush of feeling, making himself keep his eyes on Wu. It's on him to keep explaining, no matter how hard it is. ]
I couldn't keep you safe. I couldn't keep Chloe and Kristoff here, I couldn't do anything about the town falling apart and someone needed to handle the caches, and...
[ There is a helpless little sound trapped in his throat, one Mako viciously swallows around and then lets out anyway, his head bowing like his scarf is there to hide behind, except there is nothing and Wu can see everything that he is. Mako feels flayed open with the weight of his gaze. ]
That was the one thing I could handle. I was running away. It was stupid. Obviously.
no subject
It isn't Wu trying, to make Mako love him again, to make Mako care about him. It's Mako trying to be better, trying to explain himself.
He feels stuck, standing in the middle of their room, staring at Mako, sick and pale and hunched on the bed. He wants to go to him, wants to take care of him, but he also wants Mako to meet him, to hold up his end of this relationship, and maybe Wu hasn't earned that, but he wants it anyway. He wants a real relationship, like the ones he sees around himself, like Korra and Asami, like Tenzin and Pema. He wants a partner, not just someone who will give him a scrap of their attention.
He's tired of that. Tired of being unloved, tired of having to beg for any bit of attention that he can have. ]
You could have been there.
[ His voice is low and raw and he feels just as exposed. But after the last day and a half, he has nothing left ]
I don't need you to protect me anymore. I don't want you to. I want you. That's it. I just want you, and if you can't give me more of your, your time, then I don't know, Mako. If you need me, be with me. Please. That's all I need from you.
no subject
Mako stares at him, at the pinched edge of his mouth and the slope of his shoulders, tired after probably taking care of Mako for a day and a half even though he's done nothing to earn that kind of care.
His words are like sparks, jolting uncomfortably along Mako's skin.
That's what he does. He is there, when he's nothing else, when he has nothing else to offer except prickly edges and his bending skills. The fact that he didn't even manage that would have crushed him, before, but Mako lets it sit there in the quiet, the truth of it, turning it over in front of himself.
You're so afraid to disappoint anyone, Tu had said, simple as anything, that you end up disappointing everyone.
Maybe that's what he actually does.
Tu's wiser than Mako gave him credit for, maybe. He almost laughs, except his throat is tight and it would be a little bitter thing, probably, so Mako swallows around that and says, instead, the truest thing he can think to say. ]
If I'm not doing that then I don't... know what I have to offer. To anyone. To you. If I can't handle all this–what good is that?
no subject
He takes the two steps back to the bed, slipping onto it and reaching over for Mako's hand, taking it in his own. ]
Let me help you. You don't have to do this by yourself. I, I love you, and I want you to be okay, and if you need me-- [ What a novel concept, now that Wu can sit with it ] then I'll be here for you, okay? How can I help you? What can I do?
no subject
Wu wants to know how he can help. Wu, who used to just wait for Mako to make coffee and open doors, who assumed that Mako was just there to make his life easier in addition to keeping him safe.
But Wu loves him even though Mako failed to do the one thing Wu needed him to do.
Mako meets his green, green eyes. ]
Tell me when you need me. I don't want you to... feel like you have to be okay, or that things have to be okay, but—this is new to me, Wu. I don't know what I'm doing. And I want to do it right, and be there for you the way you need me to be, because I love you and you deserve that, but I... need help.
no subject
He looks down at their hands, Mako's still too hot in his own, and rubs his thumb over Mako's skin.
This is what he wants. He wants Mako. He wants honesty. He wants to know that Mako will be there for him when he needs him. ]
Okay. I can do that.
[ Maybe it is that easy. Maybe Wu should have asked, a week ago, more. Maybe that would have head everything off before they fought, before Mako was taken with this fever, before Wu shot him in the leg.
He bites his lip, glancing back up at Mako's face ]
You won't get mad? If I ask you to stop working so much?
no subject
[ Mako hesitates for a moment, lets himself just feel the glide of Wu's thumb, the steady coolness of his slim fingers.
Loving Wu isn't some dramatic thing, it turns out. It's Wu sitting in front of him, promising to help him without judging him or laughing at him or calling him weak. It's the sureness that Mako is going to try his hardest too, because Wu deserves it, because Wu deserves a lot more than he's been given in his life.
It's a swelling rush of bright feeling, pressing against his ribs and his throat, dulling the twisting pit of guilt in his belly.
Mako reaches over, easy as anything, to wrap a hand around the back of Wu's head. Waits a beat, giving a chance for Wu to pull away or stop this before he tugs him into a soft kiss. ]
no subject
He leans into Mako, like he's been wanting to for weeks, to feel Mako supporting him, to be able to let go, just a little.
Mako wants to try. Wu doesn't have to just accept what he's being given. That means more to him than he can express, so he pushes it into the kiss, deepening it despite the fact that they've both been asleep, that Mako's been sick, he doesn't care. He cares about Mako, that he's here, that he loves Wu. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)